It's officially January 24th, which an English psychologist has determined is "the worst day of the year" It's also officially Monday, which must mean it's even worse. Worst-er, if you will.

But as we sit freezing our [redacted]s off, we're fighting our usual natural impulses (relentless, unwavering pessimism) and looking on the bright side: at least this isn't FishbowlBOSTON. Take your godforsaken Red Sox; give us our 15 extra degrees Fahrenheit!

Given that it is irrefutably Monday, we'd like to make sure you start the week off right: with a clear sense of what's going on and what's really important. As the conspiracy theorists will tell you, the media is not to be trusted with such matters. If you read the New York Post this weekend, for example, you might have woken up this morning erroneously thinking that Donald Trump's wedding was an event of monumental importance. We're here to make sure that doesn't happen, and to that end, we've handily reprioritized yesterday's headlines: