Report from Sacramento: Mr. SAC goes to Washington
SUBHED: THE SEDUCTION OF GARRETT GRAFF–THE SCREENPLAY.
FishbowlNY’s foreign correspondent, SAC, theoretically covers media in New York from Sacramento. This week, the circularity and incestuousness inherent in media reporting seems to have resulted in some sort of cognitive feedback loop where “narcissistic navel-gazing” and “media reporting on itself” were somehow interpreted as “mediabistro reporting on itself.” It’s so post-post-mo we can barely stand it, or ironically pretend to stand it.
At any rate, we assure you this won’t happen again, but in the meantime, our Foreign Correspondent’s report from Sacramento:
MR. McCLELLAN Please. Garrett turns and walks down the hall. They enter office. MR. McCLELLAN What do you drink? Bourbon? GARRETT Look - I covered your briefing. I was glad to do it. But I have some things on my mind. Can you understand that? He nods. GARRETT All right then. MR. McCLELLAN What do you drink? He looks at him. MR. McCLELLAN Garrett - I'm sorry to be this way, but I don't want to be alone in this office. GARRETT Why not? MR. McCLELLAN Please wait till the POTUS gets back. That's what I call him, I came up with that, do you like it? GARRETT When is he coming back? MR. McCLELLAN I don't know. He pours himself a drink. MR. McCLELLAN Drink? GARRETT No. He hands him a drink. There is a pause. GARRETT Are you always this much afraid of being alone? MR. McCLELLAN Yes. GARRETT Well, why can't you just lock the doors? MR. McCLELLAN I'm very neurotic. He turns on the phonograph. (Yes, a phonograph.) SOUND of PHONOGRAPH. MR. McCLELLAN May I ask you a question? Garrett looks at her. MR. McCLELLAN What do you think of me? GARRETT What do you mean? MR. McCLELLAN You've watched me on the TV nearly all of your professional life. You must have formed some opinion. GARRETT Well - I've always thought that you seemed like a very - nice - person. At least on TV. MR. McCLELLAN Did you know I was an alcoholic? GARRETT What? MR. McCLELLAN Did you know that? GARRETT Look - I think I should be going - MR. McCLELLAN Sit down, Garrett. GARRETT Mr. McClellan - if you don't mind my saying so - this conversation is getting a little strange. Now I'm sure that the President will be here any minute and - MR. McCLELLAN No. GARRETT What? MR. McCLELLAN The POTUS (he pauses and chuckles to himself) will be back quite late. They look at each other. Garrett is half standing. MR. McCLELLAN He should be gone for several hours. He takes a step toward him. He puts his hand up and retreats around the other side of the chair. GARRETT Oh my God. MR. McCLELLAN Pardon? GARRETT Oh no, Mr. McClellan, oh no. MR. McCLELLAN What's wrong? GARRETT Mr. McClellan, you didn't - I mean you didn't expect - MR. McCLELLAN What? GARRETT I mean - you didn't really think that I would do something like that. MR. McCLELLAN Like what? GARRETT What do you think? MR. McCLELLAN Well I don't know. GARRETT For God's sake, Mr. McClellan, here we are, you've got me into your office. You give me a drink. You put on music, now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me the President won't be here for hours. MR. McCLELLAN So? GARRETT Mr. McClellan - you are trying to seduce me. There is a pause. He looks at him. GARRETT (weaker) Aren't you? MR. McCLELLAN Why no. I hadn't thought of it. I feel rather flattered that you - GARRETT Mr. McClellan, will you forgive me for what I just said? MR. McCLELLAN It's all right. GARRETT It's not all right, it's the worst thing I've ever said to anyone. MR. McCLELLAN Sit down. GARRETT Please forgive me. Because I like you. I don't think of you that way. But I'm mixed up. The press gaggle, and the briefing, I mean I'm the first blogger to… it's all so much to process… MR. McCLELLAN All right. Now finish your drink. GARRETT Mr. McClellan, it makes me sick that I said that to you. MR. McCLELLAN We'll forget it right now. Finish your drink. GARRETT What is wrong with me? MR. McCLELLAN Have you ever seen Helen Thomas's portrait? GARRETT Her portrait? MR. McCLELLAN Yes. GARRETT No. MR. McCLELLAN We had it done last Christmas. Would you like to see it? GARRETT Very much. We move with Mr. McClellan and Garrett out of the office, into the hall, up the stairs and along the hall to the doorway of the Oval Office. INT. OVAL OFFICE - MIDDAY Garrett moves into the Oval Office and looks up at the portrait. GARRETT Helen Thomas certainly is an attractive lady. For her age. In the b.g. Mrs. Robinson watches him. GARRETT (looking at the portrait) I don't remember her as having brown eyes. MR. McCLELLAN Garrett? GARRETT Yes? MR. McCLELLAN Will you be my go-to guy? He steps back. MR. McCLELLAN With Gannon gone, I need a new one. GARRETT Oh. Well, goodnight. MR. McCLELLAN Won't you be my go-to guy? You know, in case John King is throwing hardballs? GARRETT I'd rather not, Mr. McClellan. MR. McCLELLAN If you still think I'm trying to seduce you - GARRETT No, I don't. But I just feel a little funny. MR. McCLELLAN Garrett - you've watched me on TV for years. GARRETT I know that. But I'm - MR. McCLELLAN Come on. He turns his back. MR. McCLELLAN Help me with my tie, it's hard for me to reach. Garrett reaches forward. MR. McCLELLAN Thank you. GARRETT Right. Garrett walks toward the door. MR. McCLELLAN What are you so scared of? GARRETT I'm not scared, Mr. McClellan. MR. McCLELLAN Then why do you keep running away? GARRETT Because the President will be back soon. I don't think I should be up here. Mr. McClellan lets his business suit fall to the floor. MR. McCLELLAN Haven't you ever seen anybody in a slip before? GARRETT Yes, I have - He looks up at the portrait of Helen Thomas. GARRETT But I just - Look - what if the President walked in right now? MR. McCLELLAN What if he did? GARRETT Well, it would look pretty funny, wouldn't it? MR. McCLELLAN Don't you think he trusts us together? GARRETT Of course he does. But he might get the wrong idea. Anyone might. MR. McCLELLAN I don't see why. I'm twice as old as you are. How could anyone think - GARRETT But they would! Don't you see? MR. McCLELLAN Garrett - I'm not trying to seduce you. I wish you'd - GARRETT I know that. But please, Mr. McClellan. This is difficult for me. MR. McCLELLAN Why is it? GARRETT Because I am confused about things. I can't tell what I'm imagining. I can't tell what's real. I can't - MR. McCLELLAN Would you like me to seduce you? GARRETT What? MR. McCLELLAN Is that what you're trying to tell me? GARRETT I'm going home now. I apologize for what I said. I hope you can forget it. But I'm going home right now. Garrett walks out of the door and down the hall. The CAMERA PUSHES with him to the door. We see the entire stairway and part of the downstairs hall. Garrett gets to the stairs and starts down. MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE GARRETT GARRETT Yes. MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE Will you bring up my notes before you go? GARRETT I have to go now. I'm sorry. Mr. McClellan walks into the hall. His back is to us. He is holding his business suit in front of him. MR. McCLELLAN I really don't want to put this on again. Won't you bring it up? GARRETT Where is it? MR. McCLELLAN On that chair by the podium. He walks out of the shot. GARRETT Mr. McClellan? MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE I'm in the bathroom. GARRETT Well here are the notes. MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE Could you bring them up? GARRETT Well I'll hand it to you. Garrett starts back up the stairs. GARRETT Come to the railing and I'll hand them up. MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE Garrett - I am getting pretty tired of all this suspicion. Now if you won't do me a simple favor I don't know what. Garrett appears as he slowly climbs the stairs. GARRETT I'm putting them on the top step. MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE For God's sake, Garrett, will you stop acting that way and bring me the notes? Garrett gets to the top of the stairs, and starts slowly down the hall. GARRETT I'm putting it here by the door. MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE Will you bring it in to me? GARRETT I'd rather not. MR. McCLELLAN'S VOICE All right. Put it in the Oval Office where we were. GARRETT Right. INT. OVAL OFFICE - MIDDAY Garrett walks quickly into the Oval Office, crosses to the desk and puts the ntoes down. As he starts to turn back, he looks up at Helen Thomas's portrait. There is a movement reflected in the glass of the portrait. He turns quickly. Mr. McClellan, naked, is shutting the door to the Oval Office behind him. GARRETT Oh God. He smiles. GARRETT Let me out. He turns the lock on the door. MR. McCLELLAN Don't be nervous. GARRETT Get away from that door. MR. McCLELLAN I want to say something first. GARRETT Jesus Christ! MR. McCLELLAN Garrett - I want you to know I'm available to you. If you won't be my go-to guy now - GARRETT Oh my God. MR. McCLELLAN If you won't be my go-to guy this time, Garrett, I want you to know you can call me up any time you want and we'll make some kind of arrangement. The kind I had with Gannon. GARRETT Let me out! MR. McCLELLAN Do you understand what I said? GARRETT Yes. Yes. Let me out! MR. McCLELLAN Because I find the whole blogging thing very useful and attractive and any time - There is the SOUND of a HELICOPTER in the WEST LAWN outside. Garrett leaps at the door, pushes Mr. McClellan aside, struggles with the door, gets the door open, runs into the hall and down the stairs.
The Seduction of Young Master Garrett: If blogging wasn’t over before, it certainly is now that Garrett M. Graff, the guy behind FishbowlDC (I have no idea what that is, Spiers, can you fll me in?) has obtained an actual press credential, that precious lubricant which allows him to penetrate the inner membrane of the White House press corp. The occasion was momentous enough to warrant a segment on NPR, which is where I first heard of it while pounding my fists into the dashboard of my car in the midst of my daily bout of road rage.
The first posts to spew forth from deep inside the White House mostly detail how boring a daily press gaggle really is. All those snarky pool reports that Wonkette intercepts and posts for the whole wide world to see, the ones that make the press room seem like the offices at Saturday Night Live in the 70s? Total bullshit. Our intrepid blogger barely made it through his first day without passing out from boredom. The press briefings are apparently even worse, as young master Garrett describes being stunned by “the uselessness of many of the exchanges.” But it was the private meeting with McClellan himself that went overlooked by the media. Thankfully Garrett was live-blogging the encounter in the screenplay format, as he later told friends he has no recollection of these events.
INT. WEST WING - MIDDAY MR. McCLELLAN Would you mind walking ahead of me to the office. I feel funny about coming into a dark office. GARRETT But it's light in there now.
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