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Looking for last-minute Valentine’s Day ideas for your significant, media-consuming other? Here are some can’t-miss picks:

  • Pink Roses with Hypericum, 20 stems | $59.99, Martha’s Flowers

    A Valentine’s Day standard. Plus, support Martha’s continued penitentiary comeback and brand-off with that pesky Rachael Ray. Classic!

  • My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless | $11.99, Amazon.com

    What Valentine’s Day would be complete without the 1991 shoegazer, white noise classic? All of them? Well, buy it anyway.

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  • Trump Vodka | $38.00 for 750ml, Park Avenue Liquors

    Nothing says “You’re my Valentine” like a belligerent billionaire’s cocktail sauce.

  • Vincent Gallo | $50,000/day plus travel expenses

    The wack actor is not exactly shy about his, uh, manhood-for-hire ($1 million for Mr. Gallo’s sperm “includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization” — c’mon, that’s a steal!). A perfect V-Day gift for that discerning starf*cker — literally!

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  • Steven Colbert’s “Americone Dream” ice cream | Ben & Jerry’s

    Not yet available, but if you know the right people in Vermont like we do, the “vanilla ice cream with waffle cone pieces and a fudge swirl” is the perfect nightcap to a media Valentine’s Day. Rich, creamy and right-leaning.