What Would Tina Do?

A bigshot editor at a big-deal mag— no, not her—reveals what he thinks when he gets a cold pitch.

You spend all that time slaving over pitches. You get the wording just right, decide whether to go regular mail or Fedex, black-and-white clip copies or color, very formal or familiarly jokey. Then you send the envelope off and wait. And wonder. Will the editor buy your idea? At least like your idea? At least read your submission? Really, you want to know, what's the editor thinking?

We thought we'd find out. We contacted a well-known top-level editor at a mass-circ, hugely popular (yes, really) magazine to see what he thinks when he receives the work of non-celebrity freelancers. He didn't blow us off, which surprised us, but he did insist on anonymity. "I don't want to go through the rigmarole of getting clearance to talk to a reporter," he explained, "and if I did, I'd have to tone down what I would say, which would be much less useful to your readers, in my opinion."

Fair enough. So here's the inside scoop, from a "senior editor at a large-circulation magazine," which is what he wants us to call him and all the biographical info you'll get.

1. Don't send me your query on stationery that's a quarter-inch thick. You're not inviting me to the prom.

2. Please don't send me a photo album filled with two dozen of your stories, which you have painstakingly photocopied (in color, no less) and laminated. I get depressed thinking about all the trouble you went to, especially because I don't have time to read all this stuff. Just send me one or two good things you've written over the years. I mean, a writer is lucky to have one good piece a year. And, please, people, keep away from the laminating machine.

3. If you have little birdies or flowers or kittens on your return-address sticker, it may take me a couple of years to get around to opening the envelope.

4. If you happen to be a struggling inventor with a great idea, I don't want to know about it.

5. Your sexually suggestive cover letter provided me with a few moments of pleasant distraction, but I'm not going to take your idea seriously.

6. If you just bought a yacht that you think our readers might want to know about, or if you just redesigned your kitchen and want to tell the world about it... keep it to yourself.

7. You know that guy we know in common, the one whose name you're dropping in an effort to get my attention? Well, you might want to make sure I don't despise that guy before you go dropping his name.

8. If I like your idea, or think it shows promise, I'm going to Google you. Just thought you might like to know. And if your cover letter screams out Cuckoo! Cuckoo!, I'm also going to Google you, if I get a minute, just for the hell of it.

9. You know that major story that everybody's going to be writing about? We've already assigned it to one of our high-paid contract writers. You don't have a chance.

10. That warm, decently written story of your youth, with its hints of childhood abuse? We don't want it, unless your name is something like Hillary Clinton, or Bill Clinton, or Martha Stewart, or... you get the idea.

11. You say the city you live in has a crazy, colorful mayor? I don't care. All mayors are crazy and colorful. That's what mayors are.

12. Knowing what movies are coming out three months from now does not constitute a story idea.

13. If you're currently serving time in a penal institution, the chances are slim that we're going to assign you that Jennifer Aniston profile... although, come to think of it, it's probably not such a bad idea.

14. I didn't get back to you within a few weeks and now you've decided to go over my head by pestering the editor in chief's assistant with daily phone calls? Guess who's never getting an assignment. You.

15. If I receive something from you sent via Fedex or Airborne Express, I'm going to wait at least three days before opening it. I don't know why. I'm not saying it's right. That's just how it is.

16. So is it hopeless? Not completely. You have a shot if you've stumbled onto, or dug your way toward, some exclusive news or interesting story that no one else is going to get. You also have a shot if you're an expert in some field or other and your expertise lines up, in some way (even if it's obscure) with what's happening in the outside world. Or maybe your cover letter is riveting, just because you're a compelling writer. If that's the case, you've made my day, even if I can't get you an assignment right now.

Claire Zulkey is a freelance writer living in Chicago. She has written for the Chicago Tribune, Modern Humorist, and Second City. More of her writing can be found at www.zulkey.com.