How to Write About Family and Friends So They'll Still Speak to You

Last year, I published a memoir about how planning my wedding drove not only me, but most of my family and friends, partially insane. In it, I noted my mother's penchant for depression and my father's tendency to explode at members of the clergy. I also complained about my mother-in-law, and made fun of the gifts sent to me by my maid of honor. Incredibly, almost everyone who made an appearance in the memoir still talks to me. Here are my recommendations for achieving maximum familial harmony, without sacrificing your artistic need to tell the world how annoying your parents are.

Tell the truth and stick by it
When writing, I did my best to adhere to the facts as closely as I could. A few times, I changed the timing of events for the sake of the narrative, but typically, those you write about aren't going to call you to complain, "You said I visited you in February and it was really July! Our relationship is over!"

Unfortunately, however, your truth won't always be everyone else's truth. Immediately after my father read the first chapter of my book, he called me up to say that wasn't at all how he'd remembered things happening.

"That's how I remember it," I told him. "When you write the story of my wedding, you can write it how you remember it."

In fact, this was how I responded to pretty much anyone who argued that things hadn't gone down exactly how I'd written they had. Since memory is notoriously unreliable, many people who appeared in the book came to me, saying, "That's not how I remember things happening," or, "I don't think I said what you wrote that I said."

But, there is a difference between feeling that you've been accidentally misrepresented, and believing an author purposely or maliciously wrote lies about you. Mainly, the people I wrote about understood that I wasn't out to expose nasty things about them.

Let people read galleys in advance
If there is anything in your memoir you think the people you mention in it might not be comfortable with, let them read those passages before the book is finalized. While you may not change anything based on their reactions, it's better to find out how people feel before the book hits shelves. Involving people in the process early on helps them feel less like you're violating their privacy by telling the world about that toenail-biting habit of theirs. I handed the manuscript to my parents and in-laws, asking them to tell me if they felt uncomfortable with anything in the book. I didn't say what I would do if they were -- luckily, no one was -- but I did it to let them know that I wasn't out to hurt anyone, and that I just wanted to tell a good story.

Don't bother trying to predict what will upset people
The interesting part about the friend I mention above: She wasn't upset that I'd made fun of her suburban lifestyle or written somewhat disdainfully about her career choices. What bothered her most was that I wrote of returning the engagement gift she'd sent us, but didn't tell her personally. She found out in chapter three that we had taken back the fondue set, a gift I went on to mock in the book. I had no idea that would be her main grievance.

She wasn't the only person I'd misjudged. My mother-in-law, whom I'd attempted to portray in the book as hilariously overinvolved in our registry choices, was hurt that I'd characterized her as tablecloth-obsessed. "Just for the record," she said after the book came out, "I don't think I have an obsession with tablecloths." Letting people read the galleys means they can decide for themselves what to call you up and yell "How could you?" about.

Disguise minor characters
Not everyone has to see themself writ large on the story of your life. I originally decided to accurately represent every single friend and family member who made an appearance in the book. This was my art, after all, and no one could tell me what to do with it. As publication day neared, I realized it wasn't absolutely necessary that my husband's third cousin once-removed know how much we hated his wedding gift, and that changing some details would save certain people lots of heartache. I quickly went back and disguised a few minor characters, being sure to add a note in the book stating I had done so. To this day, those disguised family members don't know who they are in the book, and therefore still speak to me.

Remember that everyone wants their 15 minutes
My friend Ellen, who suffered the same ribbing in my memoir as most characters, tells me she loved being written about.

"I'm totally egocentric," she admits. "I'm just flattered that you wrote about me." Most people are like Ellen, and want to think they've made a big enough impact on your life to be included in your memoir, even if their portrayal isn't all that flattering.

A few months after my book came out, I witnessed a bizarre exchange between my second cousin and my aunt, who are on opposite sides of my family tree and therefore not related.

"Were you in the book?" asked my cousin.

"Of course," said my aunt, who'd been mentioned in passing as being not on speaking terms with part of my family. This didn't seem to matter, as she was clearly proud that she'd warranted a mention.

"But were you mentioned by name?" asked my cousin, knowing full well that my aunt was not. My cousin, it should be noted, had been quoted in the book as misremembering how we were related and as fighting with my mother. Again, this didn't seem to matter, since she was busy sending the book to everyone she'd ever met.

Decide who you're comfortable writing out of your life
I said in the beginning that "almost" everyone still talks to me. I have an uncle, about whom I wrote some true but not very nice things in the book. People tell me this is one of the book's funnier passages in the book, but I have no idea if my uncle saw it that way, since we haven't spoken since the book's publication. However, we didn't have much of a relationship prior to my writing about him, so it wasn't much of a sacrifice. If you're going to write something so horrible that causes someone to not talk to you, this is probably not a person you want a relationship with anyway. I knew when I first wrote about my uncle that he would most likely never speak to me again after the book came out. I decided I was okay with that.

Write about those you love who love you back
Obviously, there's little you can do on this front: Either you've got a family and friends who, despite it all, will love you and invite you to holidays, or you don't. Odds are, if you're writing about the year you lived in a Skinner box when you were nine, you probably didn't have the greatest family dynamic to start with. I wrote about my parents' acrimonious divorce in my memoir, and said lots of not-so-flattering things about my parents and in-laws. But, I also made a conscious effort to show that, despite it all, I loved my folks and my in-laws. While I'm sure my parents would have preferred that I not broadcast their petty bickering, and my mother-in-law could have lived without the world knowing of her tablecloth fixation, they were pleased that the world did know they had a daughter (in-law) who could write lovingly about them. That's probably why they emailed everyone on the planet to tell them about my book.

Hana Schank's memoir, A More Perfect Union: How I Survived the Happiest Day of My Life (Atria, 2006) will be available in paperback later this month.