[ Posted Thursday, April 18, 2002 ]

Query Interesting
An open pitch letter to Lewis Lapham, editor of Harper's Magazine.

BY KEN GORDON | "The query letter should be a proposal, not just, 'Hi! Would you like a piece on X?' I'd throw those out. It has to be, 'I've noticed such and such. I know about X and Y. I'd like to write about this point of view at this kind of length.'" — Lewis Lapham, quoted in Magazine Editors Talk to Writers (John Wiley & Sons)

Dear Lewis Lapham,

Such-and-such ain't what it used to be. Once upon a time, one such-and-such was worth about twenty so-and-sos. No more! Grampa Louie — a Lewis, like yourself — used to say that his mother would give him two such-and-suches each Saturday for the pictures: cartoons, an episode of Flash Gordon, some Tarzan, and even a newsreel or two. Today fifty such-and-suches won't even buy a lousy cup of joe.

Gone are the days, Mr. L!

I think your audience would love to be reminded of how much happiness such-and-such has brought them, their parents, and their grandparents over the years. And I'm just the guy for the job.

Now you may ask, "What makes you qualified to write about such-and-such?" Well, I can only answer that I know about X and Y. Believe it or not, Lappy, many people think that these are merely the 24th and 25th letters of the alphabet, or 2/9ths of "xylophone," but they are woefully misinformed. These people don't know Jack. (I know Jack. He lives in Apartment 5D. Nice guy.) I have intimate knowledge of X. She likes me to call her "eeks," in the French mode, and I am more than happy to oblige her. And Y, whose arms are constantly thrown up in pre-hug mode, is just crazy about me; I see Y and always — always — think, "Why not!" The equation's simple: X + Y + ME = TLFE.

But this ain't no love letter, Lewenbräu: Let's get down to business.

If you give me this assignment, I'd tackle my subject in a way that no other writer has ever considered. I'd write the piece from the point of view of a pastrami sandwich. Think about it: Cold cuts are such a marginalized minority — marginalized, demonized, shoved to the side of the cultural menu. Writing from this point of view would really appeal to your thoughtful audience.

As far as length goes, I'd be happy to make it about yay long. Somewhere between yay long and bigger than a breadbox.

That's all, LL. Send me a contract so I can get working.

Sinc.,

William "Faulkner" Finkelstein

Ken Gordon wants all the editors out there to know that he respects their profession. A reformed editor himself — and proud author of about 5,400 query letters — he now writes for Adam Magazine, The Forward, Salon, Tikkun, and other fine publications.