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The Miss Jobless Chronicles: Kickin’ It With the Kardashians

The Miss Jobless Chronicles is written by Caitlin O’Toole.

They say Kim Kardashian is "famous for being famous," but I think that's not very fair. She’s famous for lots of stuff — including endorsing tons of products that we may not even know existed without her magic touch. (Like Fabio — who unapologetically endorses Old Spice deodorant.)

Recently, Kim attended the opening of a public bathroom in Times Square. She was there for a product endorsement — she was representing Charmin. And I got to attend the event with my very coveted press pass.

I  made my way to the park in my Sunday best — not only excited to see Kimmy, but hoping I would get free toilet paper. I also had to pee like hell, and the new bathroom was being touted as one of the cleanest in the city.

The first thing I noticed was velvet rope wasn't velvet — it was made of Charmin. I went to the event, tried to get close to Kimmy, but there was were white and pink ropes of toilet paper separating us. Bummer. I wanted to shake her demure, famous little hand. She looked pretty proud to be there — and why wouldn’t she be? She was all smiles as they cut the Charmin, allowing the eager public inside the bathroom for the first time. You can say what you want about Kim Kardashian, but you can no longer say that she doesn't pick important (and squeezably soft!) products to endorse.

How do I know all this, and why should I care? I went to the event. In fact, I followed the Kardashians around New York City for six months for a popular TV website. It didn’t pay that well, but I got to attend book signings, hang out at their DASH clothing store in SoHo, and the hotel Kim, Kourtney and her baby daddy Scott Disick lived in last fall while they were filming "Kourtney and Kim Take New York." I would wait outside the Smyth Tribeca hotel, trying to push my way through throngs of fans dying to catch a glimpse of the foursome, as well as Kim’s fiance, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries. Sometimes, The Sisters K’s mom/manager Kris Jenner would often fly in and make an appearance. I saw the family several times. They're so gracious and untouchably pretty in person — like friends I would die to have in my real life.

I even stalked Shengo, the Australian bodyguard with whom Kim had a brief affair that was documented on the reality series. I interviewed him for OK! Australia about the tryst; he had fallen head over heels in love with the celebutante but his visa expired and he had to return Down Under. My heart bled for the couple, who clearly were made for each other.

I followed the family's tweets — as informative, poignant, and important as they were. Kimmy visited Africa to endorse a new brand of vodka. Her plane got stuck on the tarmac due to inclement weather. Luckily, she had WiFi access and was able to tweet that she was stuck and that she was "dehydrated and starving." I felt bad for her and yet curious as to why she would use such a phrase. After all, Africa is a continent with a humongous population of people who are really starving. But shit, Kim may have just forgotten her snacks or protein shakes and really was as starving as a malnourished African person. I didn't judge and you shouldn't either.

I researched all the ways that Khloe, the youngest of the brood, could more easily get pregnant. She and her hubby, L.A. Lakers power forward Lamar Odom, were having a very public struggle conceiving. Could be because Khloe admitted on the reality show that she didn't know she had to be ovulating to get pregnant. Maybe she's just been sheltered, or maybe Kris Jenner didn't do a very good job educating her about the birds and the bees. Again, I don't judge.

Here are some methods I suggested in an article that Khloe and Lamar try:

1. Belly Dance

According to some sources, dancing can actually stimulate blood rush to the reproductive organs and aide conception. In fact, belly dancing was originally a form of ancient fertility rites and men were not even allowed to watch!

2. Avoid soy products

A popular myth suggests that soy acts like estrogen in the body and makes it difficult for sperm to swim to fertilize the egg. Stay away from those soy lattes, Khloe!

3. Swim in the sea when it’s warm

One woman offered this tip on a Yahoo message board. We’re not saying it’s the most reliable of sources but it can’t hurt, right?

4. Conduct a wiccan fertility spell

One of them involves a watermelon:

1 watermelon

1 tbs. powdered Palo Dulce

1 cup mixed rice and beans

1 tbs. shredded coconut

2 tbs. fresh basil leaves

1 tbs. anil powder

1 tbs. river water

1 tbs. sea water

2 cups molasses

3 cups olive oil

7 pennies

1 wick Statue of Yemaya

5 . Have Lamar stop wearing ‘tighty whities’ and start wearing boxers! The myth that the kind of underwear a man wears can prevent pregnancy is a big one.

Meanwhile, if and when Khloe does become pregnant, there are a few old wives’ tales she should keep in mind:

1. She shouldn’t look at a mouse when she’s pregnant or her baby will be born with a hairy birthmark.

2. She should pay close attention to her breasts. “If your left breast is bigger than the right during pregnancy,” according to one myth, “you're having a girl. If the right is bigger, it'll be a boy. If they are the same size, you're in for a surprise!” (What could that be, a hermaphrodite?)

3. If she’s pregnant and she sees something ugly, she will have an ugly baby. Um, okay?

4. She should stay away from Starbucks! If a baby is born with light-brown birthmarks, it is said that the mom drank too much coffee or had unfulfilled cravings while she was pregnant.

5. If they want a boy, Khloe should warm up Lamar’s testicles before sex. Yikes.

6. If they want a girl, Khloe should “think pink” when she has an orgasm. Wh-what?

7. If she gets really angry, her baby will be born angry. This is pure science, people.

8. If she wears high heels, she’ll have a cross-eyed baby. This is getting ridiculous!

9. If she stretches her hands above her head, the umbilical cord will strangle the baby!

10. She should buy some Drano to find out the sex of the baby. An old wives tale says that if you mix Drano with urine, it can determine the sex of your baby. If you pour it down the toilet, and it turns blue, you have a boy; pink, it's a girl.

Since I was on call for this website, my phone would ring every time Kim farted or Khloe felt fat. Which was fine, I needed to know those things. I would belt out 200 word articles about the latest news, sourcing each story carefully and paying special attention to detail. (WHY does Khloe feel fat? And can she reduce the number of lattes she drinks to maintain her weight? Could she substitute whole milk with skim?) I needed to know; so did their fans.

I watched every TV show they were on — late night talk shows, morning shows, and all. My Sunday nights were devoted to watching their reality show and documenting every second for a live update. I also had to pick the best quotes, the most ridiculous moments, and describe all of the fabulous places they had visited in each episode. I consulted an L.A. astrologer to find out what was next for this famous family. (He was amazingly on-target.) My life, quite frankly, had become all-Kardahsian, all the time. And I’m not ashamed.

I’m not sure what’s next for me — my heart is full of love for this family. Maybe I’ll get to follow the Baldwins next. Or the Arquettes. Whatever my assignment, though, the Sisters K will always have a special place in my life.

Caitlin O’Toole is a New York City-based writer and editor and the creator of “The Miss Jobless Chronicles”. A native of Washington, D.C., she began her illustrious journalism career as a Washington Post paper girl and won the 1982 carrier of the year award — a plaque she still proudly displays in her teensy weensy Chelsea apartment. Caitlin’s career has been punctuated by bouts of unemployment, under-employment, and run-ins with neighborhood misfits, local bodega owners and an 85-year-old technophile neighbor named June. She’s written for Star, Parade, Sesame Workshop, People.com, VH1, and Fox News, and has been a guest blogger for the Huffington Post. She’s also a Kardashians know-it-all, thanks to a recent freelance stint. Please send all six-figure job offers and fanmail to missjobless@gmail.com

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