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What if “The King of One-Liners” had Twitter?

For those who are unfamiliar with his work, Rodney Dangerfield was known in his day as ‘The King of One-Liners’.   We have a feeling that if he had Twitter in his lifetime, he would have been a king of the Twitter-Sphere, too.  Nominations for The Shorty Awards are upon us.  And we believe that, if the star comedian was alive today, he would destroy the competition.  We have compiled a list of 20 hilarious Rodney Dangerfield quotes (in under 140 characters) that would have fit perfectly on Twitter.

20.  I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

19.  I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

18. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

17.  I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

16.  A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

15.  I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

14.  My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

13.  When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

12.  I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

11.  Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

10.  I bought a perfect second car … a tow truck.

9.  My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

8.  For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

7.  My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

6.  Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

5.  My wife made me join her bridge club … I jump next Tuesday.

4.  I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents “do you think we’ll find them”, “I don’t know there’s so many places to hide”

3.  I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

2,  One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

1.  I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

BONUS:  When I was born, the doctor said to my father, ” I’m sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru”.

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