Notably drunk and with lips as green as a leprechaun’s pecker, President Obama raised a glass to “those crazy a$$#@%#s in Crimea” at a short press conference today on the Ukrainian crisis. He also gave a “special shout-out” to Russian President Vladimir Putin who he said “acted all hard and s#%t,” but was in fact “fronting” and would “get his real soon.”
“The President is understandably wasted right now. I mean come on Matt, the man just got finished with two wars and now he’s going to have to start another one -this time with the very real prospect of nuclear annihilation for one or more European allies. If I weren’t a gin girl, I’d be hitting the Jamie pretty hard right now too.”*
Erin go bragh, y’all!
*We made this up entirely. Here is what really happened.