According to Adweek, The New York Post is going to raise its newsstand price to 75 cents beginning next Monday. The Post has been losing a ton of money for years, so raising the price a quarter isn’t going to do much. But maybe the sting of losing that money has finally caught up with Rupert Murdoch.

To accompany the price hike, the paper’s editors are apparently asking for better content on Monday:

The boss himself has put the order out that [the paper] will be even greater than usual,’ said one memo to the reporters. ‘He’ll be looking for what is there and what is lacking. So, please, pull some good ones out of your bags of tricks.’

Another memo put it less delicately: ‘The editor has already said he will be looking for bylines to see who stepped it up and who didn’t.’

Now we ask you, how are the Post’s writers going to improve on stories that cover Scarlett Johansson partying with Justin Timberlake (a spy says it wasn’t flirty!) and a woman who stole a cop’s license plate and stuffed it down her pants?

Some things are just impossible, no matter what the consequences might be.