Jon Stewart was on fire last night at the Magazine Publishers of America Magazine panel "Laughing Matters: Magazines Celebrate Humor," going to town on top editors Graydon Carter of Vanity Fair, Time's Jim Kelly, Cosmopolitan's Kate White and Dave Zinczenko of Men's Health . The house was full (according to Folio there were over a thousand people there - yowsers!), and Jon was in total control, letting loose with zinger after zinger and not holding back in the slightest, which the crowd appreciated, if not the poor plucky editors onstage. Fish in a barrel, people, fish in a barrel.

The night began with a choice of two cocktail parties: the actual ASME event at Stone Rose in the Time Warner Center, one floor down from the Lincoln Center's Rose Theater where the panel would be held, or the Tenth Annual Creative Excellence in Business Advertising Awards upstairs by the theater, where many a confused media attendees wandered around wondering why they didn't recognize anyone (panelist Jim Kelly was somewhat befuddled by the lack of colleagues until Fishbowl set him straight and sent him on downstairs).

Fishbowl, meanwhile, had arrived at 6:30 for an event that began at 8 (damn you, Advertising Week website!) so we were able to sample all the appetizers including crepe-wrapped filet mignon with aoli sauce, risotto cakes with sundried tomato crème fraiche, pineapple chicken skewers, mini-Reuben sandwiches and delicious vegetarian spring rolls (oh, wasted taco, that I could go back in time and save you for later!). The room filled up; more wine was passed, Fishbowl resisted. Getting tipsy before the presentation: bad idea. Mustn't reveal true feelings to Jon. MUSTN'T.

Killing an hour and a half before a high-profile event has its perks; like getting there in time to snag a random seat in the middle of the front row. We sat next to Playboy VP and Publisher Diane Silberstein, her colleague Ron Stern, and ASME Executive Director Marlene Kahan.

The program began with ASME president Nina Link in a paean to magazines ("Magazines touch us in so many meaningful ways") before introducing ASME President and Newsweek EIC Mark Whitaker and Reader's Digest Corporation CEO Tom Ryder. Ryder told a joke wherein President Bush thought "Brazilian" was a real number, like "gazillion"; laughter, the best medicine. Whitaker had a more on-point anecdote, about panelist Kate White: she chaired a panel at an ASME workshop on coverlines two years ago (they workshop those??) on which Whitaker was participating, and an audience member asked if there was one word which would move magazines the most. Whitaker said "God." Newsweek's penchant for Jesus-as-coverboy, explained. The next day, White sent him a note thanking him for inspiring a new coverline: "God, that was good last night." Now take out "Kate White" and replace with "Jim Kelly." Hee. Time Man of the Year!

This was officially entertainment: they had an opening act. Funny as the subsequent panel was she was Susie Essman and she was hilarious, if ribald as hell. Laurel gives my fingers a break by getting it all down below; we want to give props to Marlene Kahan for getting off a good line on Essman: after Essman finished her schtick on how you could tell if a man was good in bed by his choice in magazines ("Vanity Fair -- calls out his own name during sex"), Marlene said simply "Or, if he has big feet." Nice one, Marlene! It was the closing punchline of Essman's set. ASME people are FUNNY!

Heeeeeere's Jonny!

Okay. You've been patient. Here was are: September 29th, 2005. This is The Daily Show Jon Stewart's Eviscerating Take On Top Magazine Editors And The Industry In General.

And there he is! It's Jon! He's so cute, walking out onstage. It's a well-known fact that he's somewhat diminutive but, well, he's quite diminutive. No less a commanding, confident and instantly likeable presence though. HUGE applause.

He pauses, and the crowd stills. "What a night," he says, smirking faintly, punchline to come. "What a night for the...(turns around to look at giant screen above his head)..."MPA." He hasn't got the slightest idea who they are, and the crowd loves him for it. Actually, he will continue to insult them all night and they will chortle with glee. "We're celebrating humor in magazines. To do that I'm going to interview editors. That is because they're hilarious. Vanity Fair, Men's Health, Consmopolitan, Time -- all of them known for their humor."

He recalls being approached to host the gig and asked if he wanted to interview four top editors. "I thought, wow, that's great. Or - or - should I put a needle in my eye." See? The crowd LOVES it! Then they mentioned the budget (and by the way, the budget! Lincoln Center! Open bar! Veggie spring rolls!). "And I remember thinking...mmm, it might be interesting. (Faux-mulling) Editors are interesting, they go to parties, they write "stet" in the margins...they go to parties....fuck it, let's do it."

The photographers -- all three of them -- rush to the front of the stage in a mini-scrum. Jon is perplexed. "Why the mosh pit? Are you really that interested in getting a picture of Jim Kelly?"

After promising Ron in the first row that, unlike Susie, he won't berate him for the lack of sex he has with his wife ("My girlfriend," Ron corrects; "and your girlfriend?" Jon deadpans. "This is the kind of humor we celebrate tonight"), Jon is ready to bring out the gang! He'll introduce him alphabetically, he says, because "you would not believe the fucking egos on these people."

Backstage, I can see Graydon's unmistakable silhouette (well, the hair is unmistakable; he's a little more portly than imagined). I see him take a deep breath. Aw. Don't worry, Graydon, you'll be great. I'm sure Jon'll be real nice to y'all.

And here they are! Graydon! Jim! Kate! David! Out they come, beaming, pleased as punch to be here, sweetly oblivious of the merciless mockery to come. Zinczenko goes in for the close handshake; Jon takes the moment to mug for the cameras. Zinczenko loves it. I have to say, it's weird seeing them all to scale. I always pictured Graydon as tall and ramrod straight; that said I find him a far more likeable presence than I would have expected, thoughtful and jovial and a touch absentminded, almost avuncular. (I think I mentioned that I was sitting in the middle of the front row - I had access, people. No one stalks like Fishbowl!). Jim Kelly seemed jolly and nice with his fluffy white hair and rosy-cheeked smile, as though he'd giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy if you poked him in the stomach. (For the record, we did not try this.) Kate White looked very Cosmo-appropriate in hot heels and a smart, fashionable outfit; she's got herself some great legs. David Zinczenko presumably also has great legs to match the great abs he'd damn well better have as editor of that magazine. He reminded me a bit of Will Arnett's portrayal of Gob on "Arrested Development," unshakable perma-smile coupled with an air of nervous energy. Then again, what do I know.

I do know this: brown shoes with black socks and black everything else are a fashion no-no. And yet, behold Graydon's feet. They are at my eye level and I stare, fascinated. Can this be the Graydon Carter of Toby Young's "How To Lose Friends And Alienate People" fame? I have heard tell of Graydon's stringent footwear requirements. So what's with the fashion faux-pas? My eyes slide across the panel, floor-level. Jim Kelly, black; Jon Stewart, black; gasp! David Zinczenco, brown? He's all black-pants-and-jacket too! No brown accents, not anywhere! Is it me, or are they both massively wrong? It could be me; I am wearing a white unitard, after all.

Jon opens by welcoming them to a spirited discussion on magazines and humor, "which plays, certainly, in Time." He turns to Graydon. "What do you attribute the long-term success of Vanity Fair. Is it humor? Because that is what we are celebrating." Graydon nods and agrees, noting that yes, humor does play a role, both in coverlines and content. And if Jon happened to look at the masthead he'd see nine or ten people left over from Spy. Jon thinks for a second. "Why, if humor is so important, is that magazine dead?" [Cheers.] Yet, says Jon, Vanity Fair lives on. Well, says Graydon, "I think humor works, and irony works unbelievably well on television--" "Excellent, excellent" pipes up Jon. Graydon continues: "It's not as marketable a commodity in print." Graydon. Are you KIDDING me? You've obviously never read this Fishbowl post about how you like hairy men.

Jon changes tacks, asking Kate how long Cosmo's been around. "40 years," she says proudly, walking into it. "40 years," says Jon. "If in 40 years these women have not figured out how to keep it quote-unquote "spicy" -- is the hope at Cosmo that if we just hang in there another five years...?" Huge applause. Kate takes this one seriously, referring Jon to the Cosmo Love Lab, where "we're working at it all the time." She says that Cosmo speaks to women in an authentic voice, presumably with many exclamationi points. (Hi, Mr. Kettle!)

Jon cuts her off; this is not meant to be about you, Kate White. "Dave," he says, thoughtfully. "Why is your magazine so gay?" The crowd ERUPTS. Jon goes on. "I enjoy health. And yet, when I read it, I don't know whether to go to the doctor, or rub my own nipples." That is SO funny, that's EXACTLY how I feel when I read Cosmo!!! Okay here my tape ran out (yes! We taped it! We're rebels!) and all my notes say is "Oh, please don't try to best Jon!!" which I can only assume means that Zinczenko has taken the first of his many wrong steps in Jon Stewart relations. (NB -- if I seem to harsh on poor Dave's buzz a bit, it's not because I don't give him credit for trying; it's that I don't give him credit for judgment. Unlike Jon, he does not understand his audience. Or his host. Especially his host.)

Zinczenko: "Fit is the New Rich"

Jon wants to know why the men on the cover are always "glistening"; Zinczenco says that it's not always "nipple and ripple," sometimes they have celebrities in T-shirts. I googled Men's Health to find some glistening man-cake, and there is a lot of both nipple and ripple. New favorite magazine! Zinczenko says that what he really thinks they should do is get to the bottom of Jon's issues. Cringe. "Good luck," says Jon. He deftly shifts it, probably to protect Zinczenko from himself, asking what DZ admires most about a Cosmo or a Vanity Fair. Given the narrow focus of Men's Health, does he aim for that kind of longevity? Zinczenko thinks. First mistake. "I think, fit is the new rich. I think--" Jon: "What?" Laughter. We're all kind of dumbfounded. He goes on. "Thin is the new rich. Being fit has status, and..." I don't know what he said there; my notes read "Dude. Stop talking NOW." Jon looks at Jim Kelly, gesturing at Zinczenko. "Look how poor we are." Jim shrugs and says, "I'm thinner in person."

And now Jon's focus has shifted. Hot seat: Jim.

NEXT UP:
Jon to Jim Kelly: "Time. What happened?"

PARTS II & III:
Jon Stewart Kicks Some ASME II: Show No Mercy
Jon Stewart Kicks Some ASME III: "And by the way, I don't read magazines"