Today, we’re taking a look at a piece of particularly tragic “gossip” from the Yeas and Nays column in the Washington Examiner. Nikki Schwab brings us the news of a the new merry-go-round at the National Zoo. How exciting! Because I like to go to the zoo to ride slow moving plastic around and around in a circle!

But, wait! There’s more…

This isn’t just ANY merry-go-round, though. In fact, Nikki says it “isn’t your mom’s merry-go-round.” Hey, you have NO idea what my mother’s merry-go-round was like! Did anyone’s mother HAVE a merry-go-round? In any event, it does sound quite impressive.

According to the Examiner, the carousel is powered by 162 solar panels and features 58 hand-carved animals. You can even ride a cuttlefish. Who the hell wants to ride a cuttlefish?