What if President Obama ran the country like a “Banana Republic”?
GOP Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) even managed to startle host David Gregory on NBC’s “MTP” Sunday when she declared that Obama is running the country like a Banana Republic. While she probably meant the pejorative term for a country run by a small plutocracy, since she’s said strange things in the past, we’re taking liberties.
What if she meant the store? Who would hold which job?
Clearly Obama would be store manager, but he’d be hands-off. Given his fondness for vacations, he’d spend most of his time in the food court, probably at the tropical fruit smoothie stand, or the Brookstone store checking out golf accessories or massage chairs. That would leave VP Joe Biden, the assistant manager, in charge. Aside from regaling fellow employees with stories about train conductors and bringing up rape when a customer least expects it, he’d tell employees that unfolded T-shirts are a “big f–king deal.” No one in their right mind would give him the keys to a store, so the real power would fall to the “Third Key.” But who is the third key?
The natural choice House Speaker John Boehner, but he’d be outside smoking all day while catching rays, so plan B would be needed. Next in line: Treasury Sec. Timothy “TurboTax” Geithner, since he’d be most able to count out the registers at the end of the night. But having Geithner keep your books is risky. You never know if he’d calculate the taxes properly, even with a program designed to do so.
House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi would be the floor manager, overseeing the sales staff. She’d be horrible at it, being demoted from her position after only four years due to customer complaints. But considering how rich she is, she doesn’t need the job anyway.
The rest of the staff would consist of the following:
Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) would start in the pants department but would eventually be pushed out in a power struggle that moved his area of the floor from “pants” to “shoes.” With his expertise in pants, he just wouldn’t want to have to go and learn shoes.
Ex Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.) would supervise the underwear department, even though it was not his department. He’d try to advise Frank on underwear and get a reprimand. He’d eventually be fired for “inappropriate use of a cell phone camera.”
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) would supervise the kid’s department, but would ineffective as he’s inundated with autograph requests from people thinking he was Butch Patrick (TV’s Eddie Munster). Then he’d spend all his time explaining why the current entitlement system will lead everyone to live like a former child star whose parents stole all their money.
Senate Maj. Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) would naturally sell accessories. Why? Because no one shops at Banana Republic for accessories. Best to put someone in charge who you want to have as little contact with the public as possible.
WaPo‘s liberal blogger/Democratic activist Ezra Klein would be the store greeter. It’s always good to have an overzealous greeter who makes it uncomfortable for customers when they enter and leave even if it’s because they don’t want to walk past him again because he creeps them out. Keeps them in the store longer.
FNC’s Bill O’Reilly would handle loofa sales…they would plummet.
MSNBC’s Ed Schultz would be external security, charged with stopping shoplifters. He’d be horrible at it, allowing anyone who didn’t look like they could afford to shop there to walk out with whatever they wanted in the name of “fairness.” Though he’d constantly complain about his pay and mistreatment by management, slamming mannequins and threatening to “torch this ****ing place!”
MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell, meanwhile, would work internal security, because can’t you just imagine him telling on anyone who did something that didn’t conform to company policy?
MSNCBC’s Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow, sometimes confused for each other, would be in charge of dressing the mannequins and would do so in an androgynous way. Their reliance on pant-suits and bowl haircut wigs would confuse customers about which department they were in, leading to new trend – adults wearing children’s clothes.
GOP Presidential Mitt Romney would be the employee most likely to be confused with a mannequin, or the mannequin most likely to be confused with an employee. Either way, same difference.
There’s a reality show just waiting to be filmed at this store, but it would go out of business before filming. If Ezra doesn’t drive them away with a strange greeting, staff would steer customers with money away by constantly harassing them into buying clothes for others.
Hmm, maybe we’re closer to a Banana Republic than we know.
- Where in the World is WaPo's Erik Wemple?
- Rep. Paul Ryan on Pushing Tortilla Coast's 'Sunset Sauce'
- Round 3 Superlative Winners: Pamela Kirkland, Brad & Lauren Dayspring, Maggie Haberman
- Jen Bendery, Dannia Hakki, Gindy win Round 2 of FishbowlDC Superlatives