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Dumbass Pitches

We get a LOT of pitches here in the Fishbowl. Lucky for you, we ignore a LOT of them. But, every once in a while, we get a pitch that is so beautifully stupid, we can’t help but share it with you, our trusted readers. Today’s Dumbass Pitch comes from Cathy Unruh, who describes herself as “Nationally Known Animal Advocate and Author of ‘Taming Me: Memoir of a Clever Island Cat.”

Now, I have two pets that I love very much. (Four, if my children count as pets. I say yes, since they are complete animals.) I’ve always had a dog. But, I already don’t like where this is going. Someone who calls themselves an “animal advocate” rarely ever actually means it. They’re usually some sad person who calls their 27 cats their “animal children” and would breast feed their kittens if they could.

So, what exactly is this pitch?The subject line on this pitch email is simple in its stupidity: “Pets Can Get Angry Too.” Unruh claims that there is new research that suggests that animals can experience emotions just like humans. She says they experience fear, sadness, loneliness, jealousy and greed. I’ve never in my entire life thought that my dog might be “jealous” of me or what I have. Animals live on base instincts. They eat when they’re hungry. They sleep when they’re tired. They shit when they have to. Sometimes, that can even be on the duvet that your grandmother gave you when she died.

Actually, the more I think about it, this lady might have a point. My kids do all of these things. The big emotion that Unruh says that pets can experience is love.  I’ll repeat: I love animals, but animals aren’t capable of “love.” The perceived LOVE that they are giving you is a way to tell you that they want something. Shelter, food, a leg to hump.

Pets are great, but they are not emotional creatures. For anyone to suggest otherwise is just a Dumbass Pitch.

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