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The Daily Caller to Add LGBT Section (Yeah, Right Next to Guns, Gear, Booze, Cigars and Porn)

Earlier this month, The Daily Caller’s Executive Editor, David Martosko gave the keynote address to the Independence Institute’s Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm party at the Kiowa Creek Sporting Club in Bennett, Colo. Thank you C-SPAN for airing the comedy show last night. We didn’t realize the network had a whole new comedy division of programming.

Martosko, who was introduced as a “great friend of freedom”, is known for enjoying his frosty bevs (at least in the past, see the rap sheet here) and smoking cigars for breakfast. Combine that with the fact that The Daily Caller is giving guns away to readers and you have the proverbial poster boy for the ATF. He even jokes that the publication is unveiling an LGBT section on their site. Don’t be alarmed. That’s “Lasagna, Guns, Beer and Tobacco.”

Preacher Martosko begins with the obligatory grief porn eulogy to the late Andrew Breitbart. He speaks of an ATF event a few years ago where he and Breitbart were cruising the streets in a van while Breitbart was “howling at the moon.” He says Breitbart had a history of fighting “nameless, faceless bureaucratic nightmares who try and control what we do from behind dark curtains.” I’m sure there is some Illuminati who is always conspiring to keep Martosko and his drunk friends from raising their voices in a car. Way to stick it to the man you rebels!

Martosko spends most of the bloody red meat speech railing against the goddamn nanny state of America. He riles the audience by moving from banning foie gras to eradicating big gulps and salt. While he makes several valid points, he loses me when he starts preaching about health and how being a fat ass is actually a good thing. He asks, “Why worry about being overweight? One hundred years ago, corpulent bodies were the ideal.” He goes on to say that “being fat indicated that you weren’t part of the peasant class.” Two hundred years ago, we thought a lot of things, David. Luckily, we aren’t still burning witches and women and blacks are allowed to vote. Fortunately, many of us have evolved a little beyond the gorilla stage. (You do believe in evolution, don’t you?) Not to mention, is ANYONE looking to Martosko for tips on healthy living? Just imagine, even you could have a Body by Martosko. Of course, we’re still glad the tumor you recently had removed was benign and are sure your surgeon will be happy to hear you’re smoking up a storm for your twice a week cigar column. Because what pub doesn’t need two cigar columns in a week?

He concludes his speech by imploring everyone to go visit The Daily Caller (which he announces is better read than Rolling Stone) and download the iPad app. The rowdy, whooping crowd seems genuinely pleased with the anti-authority lecture they were just given. The entire video is posted below if you think you have the stomach for it. If nothing else, you should watch just to see Martosko’s impression of Homer and Lisa Simpson. We’re a little disappointed that Martosko, a former Glee Club Director, didn’t sing, but his renditions of Homer and Lisa might make up for not belting out an Ethel Merman song this time. By the way, he’s never cared much for Lisa. To him she represents the evil nanny state. The crowd went wild.

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