One of the Italian words for “rotten” is “andato.” And that’s pretty much where the great majority of the reviews for the new Johnny Depp-Angelina Jolie thriller The Tourist are stacking up this fine non-Italian morning.

But which film critics are rising most adeptly to the challenge of trashing two of Hollywood’s biggest stars and their comatose Venezia intrigue? Here are our five (early) picks for the Columbia Pictures pan parade honor roll:

Eric D. Snider, Cinematical: “I urge you to say the director’s name aloud. Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. Did you do it? There, you just had more fun than you would if you watched The Tourist.”

Nigel Andrews, Financial Times: “Do anything. Arrange an appointment in Sumatra. Go to the moon. At all costs stay away.”

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