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We Asked For It: Your Showtune Parodies

Earlier this week, after our disappointment with Henry Alford‘s literary showtunes, we invited GalleyCat readers to submit their own songs. Less than a day later, Kelly Wittmann had summarized the plot of Endless Love by Scott Spencer to the tune of “On the Street Where You Live” from My Fair Lady:

I have often walked down this street before
But my matches never started this kind of heat before
All at once am I / On a sick, pyro high
Lighting fires on the street where you live

Are there other boys in the heart of town?
Can you flee my gaze in any other part of town?
Does obsession pour / Out of ev’ry door?
No, it’s smoke on the street where you live

And oh! The sickening feeling
Just to know somehow Brooke is near
The nervous, writerly feeling
That one bad movie just may ruin my career!

People stop and stare, they don’t bother me
‘Cause I’m burning down a house to then save her family
I’m a hero now / so don’t have a cow
Just a fire on the street where you live.

Then Marta Acosta, the author of Happy Hour at Casa Dracula, sent in “Helen Burns’ Theme” from her Jane Eyre!: The Live Sitcom Musical, where every song is also a twist on a certain classic TV theme song:

Come listen to a story about my life at Lowood Home
I’m dying from consumption, but I’m not alone
I pray to my god that he’ll take me soon
Then there’ll be no more of this burnt and gruesome gruel.

Boiled oats, they are, gristle and gravy.

Well, I met a new friend here, a girl called Jane Eyre
I said, “Jane, I’ll die soon and join my Jesus fair.”
She said, “Please don’t go, pal, I can’t have you leave,”
But consumption is a gross and incurable disease.

Heaven, I’m coming, angels and harpsichords.

But wait, we’re just getting warmed up here! We’ve got Cole Porter and Stephen Sondheim to make fun of yet, along with Gov. Jim McGreevey and the whole “not chick lit” phenomenon…


Janice Harayda of One-Minute Book Reviews takes the Cole Porter route with this excerpt from the imaginary “gay American musical” McGreevey!, which works a very pale shade of blue, for those of you concerned about suggestive lyrics.

At words political, I’m so hypocritical
That lately I’ve gone underground
Except when Oprah Winfrey’s around
And I’m fully wired for sound.
I hate expatiating on gay dating
As I might get a subpoena.
But even if you sue, I’ll say to you:
There is no man
I love keener.

You’re the top!
You’re a Turnpike rest stop.
You’re the top!
You’re an NJ state cop.
You’re the platinum in a recording by Bon Jovi.
You’re a Springsteen CD,
A Rutgers QB.
You’re a Princeton c.v.,
You’re the Nets.
You’re the Pulaski Skyway,
You’re a sunset on Cape May.
I’m a washed-up pol, a complete mess, a flop,
But if, honey, I’m the bottom you’re the top!

You’re the top!
You’re Atlantic City!
You’re the top!
You’re a Valli ditty!
You’re the kielbasa at a polka night in Linden.
You’re safer sex
And not my ex.
You’re Trenton,
You’re “My Way.”
You’re the Verrazano,
You’re A.J. Soprano.
I’m someone whose star has continued to drop,
But if, honey, I’m the bottom, you’re the top.

You’re the top!
You’re my ’01 election.
You’re the top!
You’re a huge erection.
You’re the cannoli at a street fair in Kearny.
You’re the Secaucus 7
And gay heaven.
You’re a trip that’s E-Z.
You’re Weequahic Park,
You’re Philip Roth’s Newark.
I’m an official passé as be-bop,
But if, honey, I’m the bottom you’re the top.

And Lady T of the blog Living Read Girl takes a few pokes at the This Is Not Chick Lit gang, to the tune of “When You’re a Jet” from West Side Story:

When you’re a Lit Chick
You’re a Lit Chick all the way
from your first novelette
to your last publishing soiree!

When you’re a Lit Chick
if your new book gets a NYTBR pan
You’ve got sisters around/to reassure you
you’re the next Amy Tan!

Your work’s not alone
to face poor sales unexpected
if publishers can’t market your tome
the fault is all theirs
they have to accept it!

When you’re a Lit Chick
you’re a National Book Award-winning ace
you’re a Pulitzer Princess
full of Nobel grace
clear off that mantle
you’re gonna need space!

As Lit Chicks,we have to take a stand
against those shoe-shopping stories cluttering up bookstores
across the land!

With all those pink covers blinding the world to our art
we have to do something that really sets us apart
from those shopaholic sisters
all looking for misters!

All those books have to offer
are designer label heaven
who cares who wears Prada
we’ve got allusions/to 9-11!

It’s time to down our noses
no shame in being a snob
Lit Chicks deserve
that spotlight you hog

So even if our book isn’t a bestselling hit
we can smugly say:
THIS IS NOT CHICK LIT!

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