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Cadbury Introduces Chocolate That Doesn’t Melt

First we invented the wheel. Then we developed a cure for polio. And now we’ve created a chocolate that doesn’t melt.

That’s right: Cadbury UK–which is owned by the American juggernaut Kraft–has announced the invention of “temperature tolerant chocolate” which can survive temperatures of up to 104 degrees for hours. Make no mistake: this is a big deal.

Just think about the role chocolate has played in your own life, then think about the role chocolate has played in the history of the human race. The public has obviously always loved chocolate: From GIs in World War II handing chocolate bars to dusty children in war-ravaged landscapes to Willy Wonka’s implacable influence on American film, chocolate always represented those things that are good in life.

And now, thanks to a scientific breakthrough that allows mere humans to break sugar particles down into even smaller particles in order to decrease their meltable fat levels, chocolate is now more resilient than ever. This innovation practically fixes the only thing that’s ever been wrong with chocolate (other than its effects on one’s teeth or body when consumed in unwise amounts).

But how will the public react? We hate change almost as much as we love chocolate, so we’ll probably greet the evolution of our favorite sweet treat with a healthy degree of scrutiny. Chocolate is about innocence and deliciousness and holidays–when did you people have to drag science into it? (This maxim applies to all foods, of course, but we like to think chocolate is different.)

Parents around the world will praise this development. Why? Because somewhere, at this very moment, an 8-year-old boy will try in vain to gnaw his way through a chocolate bunny like a lion devouring an antelope, ruining a perfectly good shirt in the process. Somewhere a little girl who only wanted to enjoy her chocolate-covered raisins outdoors will return home with hands that look like they’ve been dipped in mud.

But what the public really wants to know is how it tastes. And now, thanks to Cadbury, we’ll all have the chance to try chocolate again for the very first time.

Let’s just hope the chocolate doesn’t melt under pressure.

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