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The NSA Wants You…as Its New Director of Strategic Communications

NSA

Ready to absorb the unqualified hatred of the American public and channel it into a robust comms strategy?

Today we learned that the current leader in the “America’s Least Popular Organization of Any Kind” race is looking for a PR professional to revel in such public abuse.

On the other hand, the National Security Agency gig will pay $175K.

So what does one need to qualify for a job “developing strategies and products to disseminate key messages to the internal workforce, members of the media, the general public and other interested stakeholders?”

To start: a communications degree (Masters preferred) and “Minimum ten years of experience in public affairs/communication in U.S. government or relevant private sector work”, which we take to mean paid mercenary jobs.

The rest of the requirements read like those for a standard opening at any firm: discipline, transparency, great writing skills, crisis comms training, et cetera. The question: what do the men behind the curtain aim to accomplish with this coming hire?

Some hints about what the organization values and our translations:

  • “…the ability to bring about strategic change, both within and outside the organization to meet organizational goals”. Translation: hide things more effectively.
  • “…Anticipates and takes steps to prevent counter-productive confrontations”. Translation: squash that report yesterday.
  • “Positions the organization for future success by identifying new opportunities; builds the organization by developing or improving product or services. Takes calculated risks to accomplish organizational objectives”. Translation: identify the five Americans who don’t hate us…and hire them.
  • “…the ability to meet organizational goals and customer expectations”. Translation: redefine the word “customer.”
  • “Share information and knowledge to achieve results by creating an environment that promotes employee engagement, collaboration, integration…” Translation: don’t give any more access codes to freelancers!

Is the world’s most secretive PR job opaque enough for you?

Here’s an exclusive image of the office in which the lucky candidate will spend his or her work days:

1984

Click here and submit your resume today!

[H/T O'Dwyer's]

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