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Why Does Matt Kassel Hate Big Butts?

URGENT question for The New York Observer‘s Matt Kassel: Why do you hate big butts? What did they ever do to you?

Late Thursday afternoon — STOP THE PRESSES — Kassel, clearly assigned to the Butt Patrol beat, wrote us an “urgent” email requesting information about whether our own Eddie Scarry‘s  planned to cover “big butts” at the upcoming White House Correspondents’ Dinner. There is no plan for Eddie to do that. But Kassel, being the ace reporter that he is, anticipated (good reporters do this by the way, they anticipate things BEFORE they MIGHT, MAYBE but HAVEN’T happened yet) that Eddie might have big butts on the brain. So here’s what he wrote (we’ve put it in bold):

Hi Betsy,

Hi Will,

I’m a staff writer at The New York Observer, and I’m writing an article about Eddie Scarry and the Washington correspondents dinner on Saturday. Specifically, I’m wondering if he plans to be taking any pictures of women’s butts again (I’m reaching to him as well). I’m wondering if you consider his prior coverage professional behavior, and if so, how you justify it. Why is appropriate for a media site to ridicule lumpy butts? Wose idea was it?

If you’d like to call, my number’s (609) 658-2650. As soon as possible is best, as we’d like to get this story up tomorrow morning.

Best,

Matt Kassel

He quickly followed up with this:

Actually, I don’t have Eddie’s email. Would you mind sending it my way?

First off, a quick note to Matty’s editor: Do you know that you have someone working for you who sends out emails as sloppy as this one? For starters, my name is Betsy, not Will. And why is Matt sending a note to us both? Could it possibly be because the “Will” he meant this for is Will Sommer, who writes for Washington City Paper, who is also outraged by the occasional “big butt” photograph we have run? These two are so dumb they might as well dress up in Hazmat suits and crash into each other just for fun.

Moving on. Let’s address the typos. This is — by far — my favorite sentence of Matty’s: “Wose idea was it?” Really, Matty, “Wose?” Please tell me where you went to J-School because I’d like to go there too!

Just for the hell of it, here’s some context since you’re clearly not adept at searching our website. Three years ago was the first time FBDC ever mentioned a big butt. It happened to be Kim Kardashian’s. She was attending the White House Correspondents’ Dinner as the date of Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren. One night at a party, the hot topic of conversation was Kardashian’s derriere. So we wrote about it. Van Susteren became incensed with our coverage, we had a spirited back and forth and Van Susteren apologized. She had no idea that Kardashian’s behind was actually a common conversation piece or that her big break was a sex tape. (At this point, I’ll refer you to an 11-picture slideshow of Kardashian’s butt on HuffPost here.) From there on out, it became a mild joke and we’d occasionally throw big butts into photo spreads.

And now, let’s address your dumbass questions one by one.

Specifically, I’m wondering if [Eddie] plans to be taking any pictures of women’s butts again (I’m reaching to him as well). I don’t think this is a question exactly, so I won’t answer it. I’ll let you keep wondering and reaching. And Eddie’s email. Seriously? Again, do you not know how to use a website? Maybe we’ll create a fun treasure hunt to help you find it!

I’m wondering if you consider his prior coverage professional behavior, and if so, how you justify it. I think this is a question despite the lack of a question mark. To be honest with you, Matty, I always consider Eddie to have the highest form of professionalism that exists. Thank you for wondering.

Why is appropriate for a media site to ridicule lumpy butts? From Eddie: “We love big butts and won’t bother lying about it. It’s become a time-honored tradition for us in the Fishbowl to make sure all body types receive the attention they deserve. Discrimination isn’t something we’ll stand for.” And now back to me. I think you’re missing an “it” in there, but I got the gist of your sloppy question. Lumpy butts? Who says they’re lumpy? One man’s lumpy rear end is another man’s slice of heaven. You’re so judgmental. And “appropriate?” Since when did you or The New York Observer become the judgment police that we need to answer to? Have you called up TMZ, HuffPost, Daily Mail or Gawker and asked them why they do what they do? If you’re so offended you may need to get out a little more, live a little and stop being such a wuss.

Wose idea was it? Whose idea was it? I won’t even entertain your question since you spelled “whose” as “wose.” You really should be ashamed of yourself for that one.

Hey Matty, can’t wait to read your story. Should you have any other questions, I’ll kindly direct you to the following toll-free hotline: 1-800-BIG-BUTT. If that’s busy try 1-800-KISS-MY-ASS. I’m sure they can answer all your remaining questions.

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