Celebrity Collaboration: Don't Expect the Star Treatment

As someone who has written my own book (the under-appreciated Diana: The Secrets of Her Style) and been both a credited and anonymous collaborator to several celebrities, I’ve had my share of both good and completely hellish experiences. While I won’t be so indiscreet as to divulge which ones fall into what category (you’ll have to wait for the book – or the movie), I do feel compelled to share the ten lessons I’ve learned (or had passed on to me) over the years from navigating this rocky terrain. Some details – like gender – have been changed to protect the innocent and the shamelessly guilty.

If you're toying with the idea of helping your favorite Us Weekly subject tell her "real story," read on.

Lesson #1: It’s their story. You’re just the writer
If you’re looking to bask in the reflected glory of your subject, get real. Yes, it’s your words – but it’s their story. Forget about the rationale you’ve been obsessively reciting in your head: "Sure she’s famous, but she’d have no book if it weren’t for me." Please.

So what if she can’t put a sentence together? No one cares. Least of all the publisher. They paid big bucks for the star power and couldn’t care less that their bold face name got a "C" in English Lit in college. That’s why they hired you. Forget about how fabulous you’ve made her irrational rantings sound.

You’re just the writer. Did I mention no one cares? It’s worth repeating.

Lesson#2: Go into the deal with your eyes wide open
Chances are you’re being offered the deal because you had some brief contact with the celebrity. Most likely, it took place over lunch – at some swanky locale for a magazine piece where the star was on her best behavior in hopes of charming you into writing a glowing profile. And, if you got the call for this gig, that’s clearly what occurred. Admit it, you’re flattered that this bold face name wants you to help tell her story. Take off those rose-colored, Mary Kate Olsen-inspired oversized glasses and look at things in the harsh light of day.

Having lunch with even the most well-mannered celeb has little or nothing to do with what it will be like to write a book with/for this person. Ask yourself: Can I live with this person for a year? If not literally (you had better hope not), then figuratively. This means getting calls when you’re on vacation (count on it) and being asked to work the one weekend you promised your significant other there would be NO talk of the book that has hijacked your – and their – lives.

If you have a real full-time job, how will you do this? Is it worth taking a leave to do?

"Ask yourself: Can I live with this person for a year? This means getting calls when you’re on vacation and being asked to work the one weekend you promised your significant other there would be NO talk of the book."

If you’re a freelancer, realistically consider what else you’ll be able to do and ask yourself, "Is this financially a good deal?" (One of the thornier questions of celeb collaborations). If this book is simply a résumé builder that you’re lukewarm about doing, do yourself a favor and pass. The mind you save will be your own.

Unless you accepted their offer right off the bat (and if you did, you’re in need of a lot more help than I can offer in this column), there will be a brief courtship phase. This may involve the star’s agent, but I and my fellow scribes have found the most cunning celebs do their own wooing. I’ve come to believe this is a red flag. It’s a telling sign of things to come. This is a star that is sure to have problems with boundaries during your collaboration (more on this later).

The star wants you to believe that you’re her new pal (another myth), and she absolutely needs you to tell her story and will rely on your wise counsel to help navigate your (meant in the collective sense) journey through the wiles of celebrity bookdom. Trust me, in this case it’s means a lot more than interviewing said star and drafting chapters for her to take apart and completely rewrite. It means late night calls. Lots of them.

The other far more pragmatic reason your star might opt to take the hands-on approach with you is because he or she wants to save money — or worse. One friend of mine was told by her star that he wanted to exclude her agent because "he’d been burned by literary agents before." Poor baby. He even went so far as to tell her (or should I say threaten?) that if she involved an agent, he’d have to work with someone else. This was, of course, after my pal had written the pitch, an outline and three sample chapters. Imagine her surprise when she got a contract to sign that was so chockfull of legalese it had more fingerprints on it than Scott Peterson’s appeal. Of course, the star had to have his agent working on his behalf. ("It’s my business we’re taking about!" he explained.) He certainly didn’t want to run the risk of being exploited by a manipulative freelance writer.

Long story short: My pal got an agent to look at the contract on the QT who promptly told her she was being screwed but because she didn’t want to lose the gig she took a deep breath, closed her eyes and signed. Let’s just say there were lots of tears shed and Nexium taken over the next six months. She was not even invited to the book party. I 'm not kidding.

Lesson #3 Money talks – listen to what it’s saying
For my first collaboration nine years ago, I was paid $5,000 to write a book for a celebrity stylist whom several writers had walked away from -- a sign I chose to ignore. I was making more writing celebrity profiles at the time. But the lure of the limelight beckoned – a book! Because I didn’t want to give away 15 percent of this paltry sum, I brilliantly decided to do the negotiating myself. My name would appear on the title page (not the cover) with the other poor dupes he’d used for other pieces of the book. When the book came out (I was able to wrestle one free copy), I had to chase this person for months before I got paid.

When he finally did write the huge check he complained that since money was going to "charity" from the book (I never did find out which one and there was nothing on the book as is customary to indicate this was happening), I should be more understanding. About what, exactly? Besides, I’d gotten my name on his book (never mind that the type size required a microscope to read). And, this oh-so-grateful celeb who thanked everyone he ever met in two full pages of acknowledgments didn’t thank any of the writers. Nice. That $5,000 was a very expensive lesson. First and foremost, if someone is low-balling you, they will absolutely under-appreciate your efforts. If you’re okay with that, go with God. If not, renegotiate or walk away.

These days my asking price is, thankfully, considerably higher and has risen with every book. Whenever I get calls from writers asking me if the advance they’ve been offered is a "good deal" I ask them this: If you don’t receive another dime other than the fee quoted in your contract would you be satisfied? Don’t be misled by promises of a lower advance for a bigger cut of the royalties. Nine times out of ten this amounts to a whole lot of nothing.

The bottom line: Negotiate for the best advance you can (and never accept the first offer) and tell yourself that’s it. If you’re happy and feel you’ve been well compensated, that should sustain you during the inevitable "What was I thinking?" periods every writer has. Don’t second guess yourself. If anything else happens to come your way, consider it gift. Just don’t hold your breath.

Lesson #4 "Collaborator" is a misnomer. You’re a hired gun.
Only the most deluded scribes believe writing a book with a celebrity is a fifty-fifty proposition. You’ve signed on to do most – if not all -- of the work. Sure, they have to talk about themselves into a tape recorder. Not exactly heavy lifting.

In the case of celeb biographies or memoirs, the star does actually have to do a great deal of work. No getting around it. Hours of interviews. Digging out official documents in order to accurately tell their stories. Okay, that’s their assistant’s job – but still. It’s up to you to ask the right questions, always dig deeper than the star wants to go to get the "good stuff" all the while cajoling the now almost always distracted star into staying focused and not blowing you off because they’ve now become bored with the process. Writing a work of fiction with (or for, which is always ghosted) is a far dicier proposition.

"If this book is simply a résumé builder that you’re lukewarm about doing, do yourself a favor and pass."

One friend of mine had two one-hour sit-downs with a celeb who told her he wanted to "write" his action adventure book modeled on the success of a famous author who had earned a permanent spot on the bestseller list. He had no cohesive plot and offered only snippets of direction like "we need a strong male hero" and "no sex because it will turn off my fans."

The intrepid scribe let her imagination run wild and produced a finished manuscript for the star and his editor to review in record time. One week before they were to go to press, the celeb and the publishing house had a change of heart and asked for the whole thing to be redone so it was "sexier." She had ten days. She delivered and, lo and behold, was asked to rewrite it again to create a hybrid of the two versions she’d already done. God love her, she did it.

Webster defines "collaborate" this way: "To work together in some literary, artistic or scientific undertaking." Check out the definition of ‘collaborationist’ – "a person who cooperates with an enemy invader." Read into this whatever you will.

Lesson #5 Don’t share an agent
If an agent is representing this fabulous A-lister (or a mediocre B-lister) and you, guess who gets priority? Come on, think hard. Exactly.

The other reason you need your own agent is because you need a buffer zone. My experience with agents has been less than fabulous. (That’s for another column). Still, it’s been my experience that if you and your celebrity have the same agent, it’s likely that the agent will be involved as little as possible and let the two of you deal with each other on pretty much everything. Including disputes. Not good – especially for you. That is what you are paying an agent to do – be an agent.

When the situation arises where you feel like you’re being totally screwed (notice I didn’t say "if"), and your agent has been MIA during the writing of the book and left you and the star to work virtually everything out on your own, don’t expect him to all of a sudden wake up and do his job. On the other hand, if you had someone from the beginning who has been communicating with the other agent, chances are they’ll at least be able to raise the issue before blowing you off.

Lesson #6 Don’t get suckered into being a therapist
Let me begin by saying not all celebrities are looking for a pseudo-therapist when they sign up a co-author but some of the higher maintenance ones just see it as part of your job. Needy celebrities will latch on to any sympathetic soul and wring it dry. They’re simply used to having the world revolve around them, and you’re the newest satellite. It will start under the guise of "friendship" and morph into something Sandra Bullock would love to option for her next movie. Little did you know when you went to J-school that you would be required to dispense advice to the lovelorn at 11 pm or offer career advice in the middle of a family dinner. Unless you’re looking for material for your chick lit book, avoid this dysfunction junction like the plague. The best defense: a good agent. Re-read Lesson #5.

Lesson #7 Get a life – or at least keep the one you have
It seems obvious: You need to keep your life separate from your famous "friend." Don’t talk about the star incessantly to your friends and family. The story that was mildly interesting the first 50 times has now become incredibly annoying. To everyone. And don’t fall into the trap of "sharing" if the star starts "opening up" about her love life or career woes. (See above). If you do, be prepared later to have those revelations come back to haunt you in ways you never thought possible. Repeat after me: Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Lesson #8 It’s always more work than you thought.
Another no-brainer. That’s why Lesson #3 (consider the money) is so important.

Lesson #9 When the "friendship" is over, it’s over
Once the book is out, and hopefully made the bestseller list, it’s over. If you’re lucky, you’ve been allowed to have your family – or at least your significant other – attend the book party and had your 15 seconds of proximity to fame. The fact is that this bold-faced name who called you every day for several months – perhaps even bothering to ask how you are feeling since you’ve been suffering from physical and mental exhaustion for weeks – doesn’t need you anymore. Do not delude yourself into thinking this is a person with whom you will remain "friends."

One caveat: If the publisher wants another book, your "friend" will more than likely magically reappear in your life, or, in most cases, now that she’s learned the lay of the land, have her people call you, to re-up. Here’s the only place you really have any control during this whole dysfunctional relationship: You can set a higher price for your return engagement or, if there’s no amount of money that can justify working with this person again, you can always say no.

Lesson #10 Get over the fear, write your own book
Let’s face it. There aren’t too many of us when we first envisioned careers as writers who said to ourselves, "I want to write other people’s books." If you’ve effectively mastered the art of celebrity collaboration, you’ve got talent, or at the very least nerves of steel and a strong sense of self -- which counts for a lot. Go to the nearest Borders or Barnes & Noble. Just look at all those hot pink covers. Every D-girl, former publicist, nanny and ex-wife is hawking a book. What do they have that you haven’t got? (Okay, maybe a few Page Six mentions, but still). The answer is simple: they’ve got a book.

Be honest with yourself: If writing books for the celebrities makes you feel like someone with their nose pressed to the glass looking in on a fabulous party, it’s time to put your laptop where your heart is and write your own book. If you love working with celebs and find this a fun, lucrative gig, by all means keep going. If you decide to go solo, don’t worry. If things don’t work out, there’s always that up-and-coming 28-year-old celebutante who has overcome her eating disorder and shopping addiction after marrying that world famous captain of industry who is looking for a good writer.

Diane Clehane has written five books. Her latest, Objection! (Hyperion), coauthored with Nancy Grace, was a national bestseller. A revised paperback edition is due out in June. Clehane writes on entertainment, media and fashion for Variety, PEOPLE and The New York Post.